When your child scores well on an exam, you might say “Well done!” But according to child psychologist, these seemingly simple words could have unintended consequences.
Becky Kennedy
.
“If you don’t append a more detailed commendation at the conclusion, ‘good job’ might shut down dialogue,” Kennedy stated during the discussion.
podcast episode
From “The Tim Ferriss Show” episode that was released last month, she suggested asking follow-up questions to demonstrate that your approval is genuine. Additionally, emphasize the positive behaviors you wish for them to continue fostering.
The aim is to assist
build their confidence
And stop them from depending on outside approval, aiding their future success, stated Kennedy, who holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia University and presents the “Good Inside” parenting podcast.
“In such instances, our primary aim as parents tends to be strengthening our child’s self-assurance. We generally strive to achieve this objective,” stated Kennedy.
To make this point clear, Kennedy stated that the phrase “good job” is not inherently detrimental. However, when your school-age child presents a research paper they’re pleased with, posing detailed queries and expressing sincere curiosity will probably bolster their self-assurance more effectively, regardless of whether or not these exact words are used, as she pointed out.
As a mother of three kids, Kennedy confessed that initially the suggestion might come off as irritating… However, she noted that anything which encourages your child to open up about themselves tends to ultimately feel beneficial for the child.
Why particular compliments can assist children in growing more self-assured and achieving success.
Targeted compliments assist children in building internal self-efficacy.
This indicates that individuals will have faith in their capabilities and are more inclined to push themselves when striving towards their objectives, according to developmental psychologist and author Aliza Pressman’s article for Make It published the previous year.
Similar to Kennedy, Pressman concurred that parents shouldn’t entirely remove the expression “good job” from their lexicon; however, it ought to consistently be coupled with specific compliments.
As stated by Pressman, saying ‘Well done!’ must be genuine and detailed. Acknowledge children for their actual efforts, perseverance, inventiveness, self-reliance, and proficiency whenever you notice them.
According to Kennedy, learning how to independently validate oneself rather than seeking generic approval from others is among the most crucial foundational abilities children must acquire to ultimately thrive as adults. She mentioned this viewpoint.
Kids who grow up relying on the outside world for validation can be “very empty and very fragile [and] very, very anxious,” Kennedy said. “What’s really helpful down the road is when you produce something — maybe it’s art, maybe it’s a [work] project — and being able to give yourself some estimation of that before others do is very helpful to your whole self-concept and protective of anxiety and depression.”
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