Even with the difficulties of caring for others, there’s a certain elegance in recognizing that filial duty isn’t optional but essential: duties and obligations are well-defined.
For quite some time now, my sister and I have taken on new roles within our family. After my father retired a few years back and began experiencing declining health, the dynamics of our relationships changed considerably.
Our dad was our very own superhero, cape or no cape. He was remarkably self-reliant, generous with his wisdom and counsel, and also an innovator in his way—being the first from his brothers and sisters to venture out of Hong Kong for studies overseas and later becoming the first tenured professor in the family. Yet unexpectedly, we’ve found ourselves stepping into new roles within the family dynamic.
Now, my sister and I are taking care of our family members. As my dad and his spouse grappled with their changed circumstances, my sibling and I formed a cooperative partnership to handle Dad’s healthcare needs such as doctor visits, transportation, and food delivery services. Additionally, I’ve been responsible for grocery shopping and organizing entertainment options like attending bingo sessions at the nearby seniors’ center for him.
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During my peaceful interludes, I grappled with the part I believed I was meant to assume within a structure where the distinctions between positions had grown hazy. This fresh role didn’t sit well with me; occasionally, it felt more like a duty than a choice.
It was an understood yet unsaid rule that, since I grew up as a child of immigrants, I should honor my elders, particularly my parents.
xiao shun
meant being filial and obedient. It would surface whenever I ignored a request from my parents, whether it was picking up supplies at the supermarket or simply following their advice.
”
Ni xiao bu xiao shun
“? (‘Are you obedient to your parents?’) was asked with a wagging finger.” Unlike in the West,
filial piety
In Chinese and certain other Asian societies, significant importance is placed on showing deference to elder authorities and upholding familial dignity.
Unaware of what was truly unfolding, I witnessed deep devotion when observing how my father and his brothers and sisters looked after my grandmother following my grandfather’s death. Each one would take turns visiting her and contribute towards her well-being. Additionally, an uncle and aunt have been taking care of their elder parents—affectionately referred to as the super seniors—for many years now; this has involved everything from scheduling doctors’ visits to cooking meals.
As mentioned, taking care of parents and other older relatives goes beyond cultural boundaries. Across various cultures and faiths, looking after senior citizens holds significant importance. A majority of my Jewish acquaintances would find the notion of admitting their parents into assisted living facilities completely unacceptable. Similarly, numerous American friends also take responsibility for their aging parents. This reflects an undeniable aspect of our generational experience.
A significant number of individuals in their 40s and 50s find themselves sandwiched between raising their kids and taking care of aging parents. These people manage busy schedules filled with responsibilities from their careers, personal relationships, and even pet care duties. Approximately 23 percent of U.S. adults fall into this category.
“sandwich generation”
, looking after both elderly parents and children under 18, with people in their 40s being the most prone to this situation, as reported by the Pew Research Centre.
In reflecting on
xiao shun,
I’ve begun to recognize its distinctive role within East Asian cultures, where reverence and compliance are integral parts of familial dynamics. Arguably, this principle serves as the foundation of Chinese households, shaping both family and societal hierarchies. This explains why my father—the firstborn—continued to look after his younger brothers and sisters even when they were adults, going so far as to offer them red envelopes.
footing the family dinner bills
.
This framework is unquestionable. Embracing the idea that honoring one’s parents isn’t optional but essential reveals an inherent grace. Roles and duties here are well-defined. I firmly believe we ought to uphold this duty of respecting our elders regardless of the difficulties involved in caring for them. This goes beyond mere custom; it serves as a means to express appreciation for their contributions to our existence.
I’ve found great pleasure in taking care of Dad and appreciate all aspects of it, from the essential tasks to the more enjoyable ones. In October, I brought him to the yearly “senior prom,” which is organized by our local Office for the Aging for seniors in my county. He thoroughly enjoyed himself, made some wonderful new acquaintances, and danced along with the tunes. Seeing his laughter filled me with happiness.
My sister has chosen to create special occasions like “dinner with Dad” or “breakfast with Dad,” during which they enjoy homemade meals and casual chats. These moments together have brought us immense value. In return, our father has recounted his childhood experiences and imparted his wisdom, enriching our family’s legacy with these precious tales.
After every gathering, he sends a text saying “Thanks for coming to see me.” Such gratitude isn’t required. As his daughter and a Chinese-American, I’m just fulfilling my duties. My dad simplifies things—he’s amazing and has done so much for us already.
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The article initially appeared on the South China Morning Post (www.scmp.com), which is the premier source for news coverage of China and Asia.
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